When you put yourself into someone else’s shoes too much!

Are you familiar with the saying, ‘Put yourself into someone else’s shoes?’ It’s a piece of advice to encourage empathy as well as understanding for other peoples struggles.

Of course, this is a great notion, right?

However what we usually don’t talk about is, that there is also a shadow side to this kind of advice, if not practiced carefully; with discernment.

I remember I first encountered the idea, when I was drawn to Buddhism. At the time I was volunteering at a beautiful Buddhist centre in Ireland. There was this one incident, which had a lasting affect on me. It’s worthwhile sharing, highlighting the positive aspect of exercising compassion, by putting yourself into someone else’s shoes. Practicing to not jump to conclusions too quickly and to give someone else the benefit of the doubt.

One night, I woke up from a strange sound in the hostel I was helping out in. Scared with my heart in my throat, I walked down the stairs to find a man sitting at the table. He clearly didn’t belong there. Probably he had just dozed off and knocked his head on the table. Maybe he was lost or homeless.

It would have been very easy to just call the police and have him removed. Instead I sat down and had a chat with him. Eventually finding out that he was in a really desperate place. It turned out he was a very sweet man, who was very grateful that I had lent a compassionate ear to him. Instead of just trying to get rid of the guy.

In many ways, I believe this incident was heartwarming for the both of us. I’ll never forget it. Being present for someone and trying to understand where they come from can go a long way. And if the concept of putting yourself into someone else’s shoes helps you with just doing that, I am all for it.

But let’s not dismiss the downside of this practice, if we fail to exert discernment. Especially when already being an empathic person as such, this might be a trap to fall easily into. For example, when we give people, who are treating us badly or who are emotionally abusive the benefit of the doubt.

We might feel we should take their trauma and difficulties they have in life into account, making excuses for them by thinking:

‘Oh, but he had a bad childhood, he can’t help himself.’

‘She is having a terrible illness and its her way of dealing with it.’

Basically, understanding the other person becomes more important, than protecting ourselves from harm. Their perspective is magnified. While we lose ourselves in their shoes, leaving our own far behind.

Yes, there is such a thing as being overly empathic to our own detriment!

When I look back at my own experiences, I for sure made the mistake of putting myself too much into someone else’s shoes, instead of setting a hard boundary. Or just walking away from a toxic situation. Forgetting about the fact, that no matter what someone else is going through, it doesn’t excuse disrespectful behaviour towards others.

This is especially true, when it isn’t just one isolated incident, but ongoing bad treatment towards someone else.

It’s exactly why, I think putting yourself into someone else’s shoes should be treated with caution. Of course we don’t want to lose our empathy, but it also needs to be safeguarded and we are allowed to stand up for ourselves; demand respectful treatment.

Funnily enough often those people, who really could do with seeing things from someone else’s perspective never care to do so, while others do it too much. Giving up on themselves.

In certain situations, we need to have more boundaries than compassion. It depends very much on who’s involved and what’s really going on. And yes, it’s a challenge to keep an open heart, while also not letting others walk all over our feelings, needs etc. Knowing that some people are better loved from a great distance helps.

In conclusion, yes be understanding, but also have your own back. If you tend to be overly empathetic, you might need to work on boundaries to find more balance. On the other hand, if you tend to only march to your own drum, it might be just about time to walk in someone else’s shoes for a change.

Either way, let’s be discerning is my word of caution here. And now to you, what’s your experiences been with putting yourself into someone else’s shoes? I would love to hear in the comments.