The greatest gift we can give to someone else
One of the greatest gifts we can give to someone else is witnessing their pain without trying to fix anything. We all need safe spaces, where we can be real.
That’s it, simple right? Or maybe not… For most of us it can feel excruciating to witness someone else’s suffering, loneliness, hardship or whatever they might be going through. Especially when it is something where we feel we can’t help really, we can’t make it better. Because we wish we could and it very easily can create this sense of helplessness.
How often did I wish to have a magic wand to help my friends to make it all go away, to see them be happy and able to live fulfilling lives, full stop.
But it doesn’t work like that, does it now?
Of course in some cases practical help might be the very thing our friend needs. Go shopping for them, because they are ill. Help them with their move etc. We need to be there for each other. Most of us are really good with this kind of help and are happy to do it, when asked.
There are also moments, where we can give some good advice to someone, who just doesn’t know how to move forward with a particular thing anymore and is emotionally too involved to figure out the next step for themselves.
We might suggest to have a clear conversation with the difficult landlady, calling the shots. Instead of waiting, what kind of electricity bill she might dish out… When we see, that helped our friend to find a way forward we often feel good about ourselves.
I do believe though, that we need to be careful to not dish out advice too easily and make sure that this is what the other person actually wanted and needed in the first place. Even though it might make us feel better and less helpless in the situation.
Which brings us right back to being able to be a witness to someone else’s pain. To be present with compassion and letting the other person be.
The thing is we are only able to do this, if we are willing to sacrifice our own comfort in this moment. Allowing our own sense of helplessness in the situation, while not trying to immediately make it better for the other person.
‘You should try this…’
‘Ah, it can’t be that bad…’
‘You will feel better in no time…’
Often we don’t understand how invalidating it can feel for the other person sharing their pain, when we immediately jump in with our fix it, make it go away mentality. Although most of us had this experience ourselves. Sharing something vulnerable, just to hear what we should be doing.
Unfortunately, the fix it - jump in mentality can make the other person feel worse, solidifying that there’s something wrong with them, while they just needed to feel seen, heard and understood.
Another reaction, which can be detrimental, is when we get triggered and freak out with our own anxieties put into the mix:
‘Oh, my God really? But that’s awful, bla, bla, bla…Oh my God, what are you gonna do, I would not know what to do in your situation, that is so terrible!’
This one might be the worst, because now the other person, who confided in us, is busy with calming us down. Really? At all costs, we must refrain from that one, if we want to be a good friend. Or at least make amends and apologise, if we couldn’t help it. That’s fine.
And this is why it is actually the most difficult thing to just be a witness to someone else’s pain and the greatest gift you can give them!
It’s a rare one nowadays, I haven’t seen many people, who are truly able as well as willing to do this.
But bear in mind, more often than not it is all the other person needed and wanted in the first place. Being allowed to tell it directly, being fully seen and understood.
If you are able to give this precious gift to someone else, they will walk away with a new sense of worthiness. Being okay just the way they are, right now, right here with their head held high and a new warmth in their heart.