Hustling for worthiness to fit in is exhausting
Being authentic, true to who you are in any kind of situation can come with a hefty price. And when we look at the life of beloved, one of a kind, Sinead O’Conor for example (RIP), we can get an idea how hefty the consequences can be, when we keep our integrity in tact. Obviously most of us, will never have the kind of platform she had and therefore won’t experience the same repercussions like her.
Still, it’s a tricky one isn’t it, because if we find the courage to be authentic, we might pay the price of rejection by quite a few people to put it mildly. Especially the ones, who are more than comfortable with the fake, everything is fine narrative. Look how happy I am, bla, bla, bla…
On the other hand, hustling for worthiness to fit in is extremely exhausting and on some level probably soul destroying.
We might tell ourselves one of the following:
‘If I am busy, like everyone else, I am worthy.’
‘If I am the happy, entertaining one, who doesn’t have a worry in the world, I am worthy.’
‘If I can be the strong one, listening to everyone else’s distress, but not having a need of my own, I am worthy’
‘If I am nice, always, no matter what. Even when I get taken advantage of, again and again. Then I am worthy.’
I am sure I could be writing these kind of worthiness sentences for the rest of the day… Most of them are tied to societal expectations, ingested beliefs of who we have to be in order to being acknowledged as a valued member in our community.
It’s very much a catch 22 scenario in many ways. We either pretend to be someone we are not most of the times and might gain some sort of acknowledgment for that, or we are authentic to who we are and get rejected for that. At least in certain circles I would say. And a third option might be to withdraw altogether, preferring our own company, which I think can be very valuable to a certain degree.
Being true to ourselves is a tricky subject, which must not be over simplified by shouting:
‘Just be authentic and everything will be fine!’
No, hell no! There are many situations, where it is not wise to be authentic and where it is better to put on a mask of pretence. Choosing to not let the other person in on our vulnerabilities, which later on might be used against us. But we also can’t pretend all of the time and everywhere. Simply because there will be nothing left of us, by the end of the day. Feeling empty inside, betraying our own sense of integrity and self constantly.
So, what’s the answer? Maybe a playful combination of all three options. Choosing wisely where we want to show up authentically. It might be either, because it is a safe space, where we can be seen fully with the whole range of our emotions; the good, the bad and the ugly. Or it might be, that we are standing up for a value of ours, like justice etc., we are willing, as well as able to bear the consequences for. Although, we must have a good support system in place, which gets us through this, should there be an aftermath. This might be good friends, a therapist, a life coach, an online community etc.
In certain circumstances, we opt to pretend, because it is the wisest thing to do; a form of protection. And again at other times, we might prefer our own company over fake connections, which are devoid of any authenticity whatsoever.
At the end of the day, it’s about choice as well as discernment!
Pretend, wear the mask consciously, when it isn’t safe and unwise to be yourself in a situation. Be clear on the values, you’re willing to pick a fight for. But check in with yourself beforehand, whether in this particular situation you are stable enough, inside and outside, to do so. Make sure you have the necessary support systems in place, which is able to carry you through this.
Have or find safe spaces, where you can be unapologetically yourself. Choose your own company over fake connections, which might be unhealthy for you.
This way, you won’t have to hustle for worthiness to fit in, but at the same time you’re also looking after your own well being.