Talk with your doubt and be kind
Doubt is a funny thing, because it can be a great help in discerning, whether something needs to be changed or not, but it also at times becomes intrusive, questioning everything we are doing.
Especially for the ones amongst us, who take the process of decision making very seriously, trying to get it right (another area where perfectionism can hide out), doubt turns out to be quite debilitating. Teaming up with our inner critic or maybe it merges into one voice. Giving us a hard time. Where a feeling of ease, acceptance of what is and flow are way out of reach.
In my experience, when we ignore this inner voice and feelings of anxiety, which often come with it, it doesn’t work and if we get even more upset with ourselves for feeling and thinking this way, it makes our inner chaos even worse.
So, what to do?
Why not write a letter to Mr. (She/Her/They) Doubt, get it out all of your system, engaging with this mechanism in a compassionate way? I personally have found it very helpful, when I was crippled with doubt, after just having made the big move from Ireland to Portugal, feeling rather unsettled, like you do after a big change.
It helped me to put things back into perspective as well as acknowledging what was going on inside of me, without having to make it better or worse.
Here’s my letter I wrote about three weeks ago. Since then Mr. Doubt has calmed down, apart from checking in with me once in a while:
‘Dear Mr (She/Her/They) Doubt,
I know, you just wanna be helpful, or do you? But it’s starting to be annoying. Undermining each and everyone of my decisions I have taken. And let’s be honest on some level it must be exhausting for you too, right? Why don’t you go and sit in the hammock for a while and leave me in peace, sip some galao, enjoy life?
Probably you’re afraid you might be losing your very important job of questioning everything, past, present and future. The things, which have been decided, but weren’t good enough, the things I am about to decide, but might not be good enough and the things I will decide, which definitely run the most danger of not being the right ones.
Of course, now you are a part of me and if I completely reject you, it’s not a good idea, but something’s gotta change. It’s too much work for you and me both as well as fruitless on so many levels.
Here I am researching, questioning the best way forward. Working through the different options, of for example, selling the car or not selling the car, keeping a locker in Ireland or not. The costs involved, the advantages and disadvantages to find the best way forward, which not only makes the most sense with the information I have at that time, as well as which feels the best to me at that given moment.
It’s hard work, it’s not easy, it’s complicated. I do my best, my very best to get it right this time. To make the perfect decision, just for you to swoop in, telling me when it’s finally done:
‘Ah Anja, what did you do? You should have kept the locker, tz, tz, tz. Now you have to carry three bags everywhere and you had to pay 100 € more on the flight for 5 kg too much weight. Really, this would have been four months paying the locker, if you take into account, that you paid another 100 € for sending your bag. And the car, did you really think this through, was this not the most epic mistake ever?’
And here I am, Mr. (She/Her/They) doubt, once more defending my case, explaining to you in detail why I decided to sell the car. The cost of import, all the money I would have had to put into it, the long drive etc. But you are most of the time never satisfied, you still find a but…
At times, I even don’t bother anymore to make a case, to justify and I buy right into the whole failure to launch narrative and bam, here I am depressed again, no self believe left.
The options are, either activate your inner lawyer and justify everything, or give in and admit, that you can’t get it right ever and that everything is wrong, no matter what.
It’s wrong to stay in Ireland, it’s wrong to come to Portugal, it’s wrong to keep the locker and it’s wrong to let go of it, it’s wrong to keep the car and it’s wrong to sell it.
Basically it’s all wrong, always. Wrong, wrong, wrong!
So, Mr. (She/Her/They) doubt, I am aware where you come from. After a lifetime of undermining and invalidation it’s no wonder, you’ve become part of my own system. Trying your best to keep me safe and working so very hard. We both do.
For now, I come back to my suggestion, that you walk over to the hammock with a galao and take a long, well deserved rest. And when you and me both are less exhausted, we will talk about how we change your job description to something that makes more sense and is much less work!
Be an investigator or discerner if you like, but ultimately things and more importantly decisions have to be good enough, while we take them and for sure after we have taken them.
I am doing my best, or have done, in any given circumstance and that has to be good enough.
Good enough, in the past, present as well as future is what we want to go for, instead of wrong no matter what.
And now relax, the hammock is over there! Right here, see? Everything is fine for now, I’ve got this, don’t you worry!’
And now it’s your turn, what are you gonna write to Mr. (She/Her/They) Doubt? By the way, you’re very welcome to sent it my hammock, mine loves the company. :-)