Self-Silencing: Stoic on the Outside and Broken on the Inside
Do you relate to that feeling of appearing maybe very stoic on the outside while feeling broken or that there's something wrong with you on the inside when it comes to self-silencing? Maybe having been in environments where we felt like we couldn't show up completely as ourselves? To be honest, I guess that's 99.9% of all of us. Because we live in times where, you know, being expressive or emotional is not always very appreciated... To be clear, I’m not talking about vomiting your emotions out or exploding on others. That’s no good for sure.
If you ask me, I sometimes have the feeling that our world is getting more fake by the minute: fake smiling, fake empathy etc. At the same time there’s a few of us, who got trapped in the happy-positive persona, elevating everyone else’s mood. But when we don’t feel that great anymore and it shows, some friends might get upset with us, asking: ‘What’s wrong with you?’
Self-Silencing can have many faces and shows up for everyone differently. Some don’t go for what they really want in life. Others don’t share what they really think about certain subjects. Or are afraid to show emotions, stating clearly what they need. For many of us, it’s a combination of all the above and arose out of a need to protect ourselves under very taxing circumstances. In certain environments self-silencing made a lot of sense, even though it ultimately impacted our health.
Personally I feel, this pattern can appear very much like stoicism, being the person who’s got it all together.
I remember when I was doing an acting training for film, the teachers told me I’d be typecast as the lawyer or detective. Professions, which typically are more analytical and where you’re not supposed to show any emotions. That was the category, which was assigned to me. Go figure. Even though I didn’t particularly like it at the time, but I can see now how they came to this conclusion.
Unfortunately we bury these beautiful parts of ourselves that have a lot to say and also have a variety of emotions. Probably because a lot of those emotions have been sanctioned. It feels like we're broken, because we are in a depressive state or anxious etc. Chose your pick.
Simultaneously I believe it takes a lot of aliveness away. Which is exactly why I always loved theatre, dance and improvisation. A safe space where you can just feel into what's there in the moment and play with it.
Honestly, that’s the great thing about art in general, whatever area it is in. Teaching us how to be playful with things that are going on inside of us and how to transport them to the outside in a different way. That's where the freedom lies. It would be a real pity if we then start restricting ourselves in our creative expressions as well. I think, especially in creativity, we need to embrace this inner brokenness, or however you want to call it, but this inner treasure actually—this treasure of things we think we shouldn't be. There might be some assertiveness hidden or fierceness…
From my perspective we need to find safe ways to express different facets of ourselves and not just one. As it is soul destroying, suppressing so many apparently unwanted parts.
How about you? Can you relate to being stoic on the outside and broken on the inside? I would love to hear your perspective on this.