My Healing Journey so far…
When I was diagnosed with my first so called incurable autoimmune condition over 16 years ago, I chose to ignore it. Until I couldn’t anymore; fast forward a few years. That was in 2012.
I did more blood tests and all the shebang, got very depressed and didn’t know what to do.
Then I decided I can’t go on like this and so I decided to change my diet completely. It felt great in the beginning, because finally there was something I could control. I did it for nearly three years, until it got to a point I really didn’t enjoy. Which was getting anxious about what foods were good for me and which weren’t. And with new symptoms, my panic of what to put into my mouth to not have a burning tongue etc. increased.
Finally, I decided to eat the bad gluten again, pizza and co, plus everything else. I just couldn’t see how worrying constantly about food was helpful.
Later I felt I could meditate my symptoms and everything else away into a positive, wonderful energy. According to a specific approach. In the beginning it felt great, the meditations were wonderful, I was pushing myself into positive moods as best as I could and I was determined to succeed… A while into the journey, things weren’t so great anymore and I felt more like a failure than ever.
The pandemic hit, I unearthed things like ‘spiritual bypassing and co’ which led eventually to Dr. Ramani’s ‘Healing from narcissistic abuse’ program. It has helped immensely and I am still at it, two years in now. An inner hunch, that narcissistic abuse could have an impact on health has been affirmed. Walking constantly on egg shells and being in fight, flight or freeze does a number on our nervous system in the long run.
I have had times, where I wanted to give up on the idea of healing. But recently, I have started to focus on it more intentionally again. Due to talking to a friend of mine, who happened to manage to heal herself of ME and who graciously offered to support me.
Also, due to the fact, that my symptoms have been rather accumulating over the years, I am feeling a new resolve to finally find a way to get the ship on to smoother waters again.
Obviously, this is not a testimony about how I have healed myself. Still, I would love to share with you what I have learned on this treacherous path towards healing I’ve been on for such a long time now.
My conclusion so far is that it doesn’t work to pressurise yourself into healing from a mindset of ‘I am inherently broken, I need fixing’. Maybe that seems quite obvious, but let me tell you, when you’re in it, desperate, helpless and often hopeless, it isn’t!
Another important thing to know is, that both the medical, as well as the alternative system have huge shadows to be weary off. Discernment in both areas is key!
Being told, that nothing is possible and that you’ll never be healthy again, is kind of a crime in my eyes, because it leaves you with literally nothing but depression. On the other hand, being sold on magical thinking and that everything, always is possible, throws you for a loop when you don’t manage to heal. All of a sudden it seems to be your fault. And you end up in depression again.
It’s tricky and takes some serious navigating!
Personally I believe now, that maybe one of the most important things to cultivate on this journey is to have self compassion with yourself, no matter what. To be both open to the possibility of healing and approaches that might help you, while being very discerning about what you get yourself into and to move on, when it doesn’t feel right.
Anything or anyone that or who proclaims, this is the only one way to do it, this is the truth, is not trustworthy in my eyes. The one person you need to learn to trust the most, is yourself! It’s your body and it’s your journey not anyone else’s.
I am giving you a short overview of what I thought would help, but didn’t and then what I think is helping right now. My view over the years has quite changed.
What I thought would help, but didn’t (in my case):
Strict diet
Unearthing and forcing suppressed emotions to surface
Meditating my way into bliss
Ignoring the illness and pretending it’s not there
Just focus on your business and the rest will fall into place, ignoring the fact, that that is quite stressful too
What definitely doesn’t help and makes things worse (in my case):
Uncertain, difficult living circumstances
Toxic situations and people
Putting too much pressure on yourself and trying to heal
What feels like is more helpful to me right now and a good path forward:
Radical acceptance of the symptoms, while also working towards healing
Self Compassion practices
Breathing exercises and QuiGong to calm the body and mind
Walks in nature have always helped immensely!
Working on regulating the nervous system with somatic exercises
Brain retraining modalities
Not pushing for healing but being more playful and soothing myself in a gentle way
Creative expression, that also always has helped immensely too!
To conclude right now, I would say being gentle with oneself and learning to soothe oneself instead of being in constant panic mode is the most important from my point of view, as well as ultimately trusting oneself and one’s gut instinct when it comes to choosing tools and a path forward.
Independent of whether healing is accomplished or not, we all deserve to treat ourselves well and to do everything, which is necessary for us to have less suffering and more joy in our lives again.
Yesterday on my walk, I found this small, green lid saying ‘Explorer and Master Player’.