It’s Not Me: Thank You Dr. Ramani!
‘You’ve endured a lot of injustice, but you are strong and your time will come to shine.’ He said to me.
Or something like that, it’s been a long time ago, that these words were conveyed to me by someone who was kind of reading people’s energies on Venice Beach in LA. It was 2008 and I stayed there to do a film training, having had never heard of Dr. Ramani or narcissistic abuse.
I wish I would! But at the time I was absolutely clueless, wondered what this guy meant with injustice. Because honestly I couldn’t think of any… Okay, I wasn’t as successful as I would have liked to be. Nobody had discovered me. Surely that isn’t an injustice, that’s just many factors, being lucky is one of them.
Most of my life I have been walking around thinking it was my fault and that there was something inherently wrong with me. Why couldn’t I just be different, why couldn’t I? Subsequently a lot of time, energy and resources went into self-improvement gurus and co. If I couldn’t become the person, that finally had a place in life, being loved and appreciated, there wasn’t any hope left.
I needed to become self-improved, absolutely healthy, confident etc. to finally belong somewhere…
There were a lot of cul de sacs, let’s just say that, which made me feel even more hopeless.
The first time I heard that there was something going on within my close family system and narcissism was from a therapist. It must have been in 2012, I was going through quite a rough time, not being able to also ignore my chronic health issues anymore. She recommended me a book, which I read, about children being the mirror of their parents and then I somehow forgot about it again. Because quite frankly I didn’t know what to do with it and it wasn’t enough to really implement steps to get better.
Fast forward to 2022, when I discovered Dr. Ramani on YouTube, thank God and finally signed up for her healing from narcissistic abuse program in August 2022 and I am still doing it!
Just to fill you in quickly, in the meantime I had moved from England to Ireland, had to cut out someone from my family completely. Endured a lot of impossible living situations, being thrown together with random housemates…
When I came into the program, it was Northern Star month called: Navigating Narcissism using Your True North. We covered many subjects since then and I have been doing all of the journal prompts writing myself from one insight to the next healing step.
Sometimes we don’t see our own growth until someone else points it out to us. In my case my therapist did. I am working with her since this year, every three weeks, more I can’t afford. She’s specialised on IFS (Internal Family Systems) amongst other things.
I have a part, that wishes I would have found Dr. Ramani sooner, that I could send all of what I know now to my younger Self.
I would tell her:
‘It’s true you have endured a lot of injustices and there’s more to come. But remember it’s not your fault and it’s not you! Stay strong!’
Personally I have come to the conclusion, that developing autoimmune issues is very related to me having had to do a lot of egg shell dancing. And being on hyper vigilance mode 24 /7. The last years with being thrown into very stressful living circumstances haven’t really helped the issue either.
Anyways, I have come a long way since I entered the healing program in 2022 and I am understanding a lot of things at a much deeper level, changing my own narrative one journal prompt at a time.
I have learned to set inner boundaries, walk through the fire, while being exposed to silent treatment, come out of denial concerning people close to me and who they really are. I have raised my standards and am very clear on what I won’t tolerate or adapt to anymore.
Consequently I moved to Portugal, found a very lovely studio with a wonderful, ‘no bullshit’ landlady, who actually takes great care of the place. My creativity has increased, because I feel more settled. I committed to not only un - self - silencing myself, but also to empower and encourage fellow artistic souls to do the same.
I feel much more in my purpose than ever before. Creating community with my Online Dreamy Cappuccino Gatherings. Inventing an anger, body alphabet series I am planning on basing a future workshop on. And I have learned to be more patient, move slowly and let the healing take its own course. Steady and persistent wins the race I nowadays think.
I will finish with Dr. Ramani’s note to me I received today, winning a raffle with her (without her I for sure wouldn’t be where I am today):