How would you like to see yourself?
For most of us, it is very easy to get lost in other peoples stories about us, especially if the other is a strong or dominant personality.
We completely forget to ask: ‘How would I like to see myself?’
Instead we all of a sudden play a part in someone else’s narrative, we make our own. Usually it is a very judgmental one, detecting only our shortcomings.
‘Oh, I’m just such a weak person, I can’t do this. I’ll never succeed at anything.’
This tendency to give up our own story for someone else’s, can be particularly pronounced if we've had experiences of constant criticism or judgment from important figures in our lives, such as critical parents. Unfortunately this habit of letting external perceptions shape how we see ourselves can be very disempowering.
These ingested external judgments can weigh very heavily on us and we might fail to advocate for ourself or draw a healthy boundary when necessary as a consequence.
It could happen for example that someone treats us poorly or expresses harsh judgment towards us. In such moments, it's like we're transported back to those times when we were constantly put down. We immediately begin to believe that we are inherently bad, as if we can hear that familiar critical voice in the back of our minds commenting on our every move.
This knee-jerk reaction to align ourselves with the judgments of others, whether they are accurate or not, can be detrimental to our self-esteem and overall mental well-being.
I believe it’s very important to become aware of this tendency to allow other peoples stories define us.
We need to consciously take a step back and ask ourselves:
‘Do I really want to see myself from someone else’s perspective? Does it serve me? How would I like to see myself, independent of other peoples opinions?’
This doesn't mean we have to paint ourselves in a purely positive light. Self-perception is a complex mixture of strengths and weaknesses, and we need to embrace the full spectrum of who we are.
The key is staying firmly planted in our own story, otherwise we will quickly lose sight of our own values, needs and aspirations. We will abandon them in favour of someone else’s opinion, debunking everything which matters to us.
If we are used to being defined by others criticisms maybe even from childhood onwards, to create our own story about how we want to see ourselves is hard work.
We might have to stop several times during the day and ask again and again:
‘How would I like to see myself? What’s important to me? What does matter to me, independent of everyone else’s opinion?’
But on the the path to more self agency, this is a crucial as well as an unavoidable step:
‘Become aware, recognise and let go of the thought patterns, which are fuelled by someone else’s criticisms.’
We need to actively learn to not be defined by others judgments anymore, while creating a more realistic self - perception, allowing us to become more authentic in our lives.
It's about being true to who we really are, understanding that no one is perfect, and accepting that there's a beautiful blend of imperfections and strengths in each of us.