There is such a deep longing inside of me
A longing for something I have lost
Long time ago
I have buried this longing
But when it comes to surface
It nearly tears me apart
Turns my inside out
So strong it is
Don’t exactly know what it is I’ve lost
Must be very precious though!
Love is not just sweet and it is not just bitter. It is sweet – bitter. Like it or not! It comes in many ways and forms to us and in most of the cases love does not care about what we think it should look or feel like. It just is, simply is. We can acknowledge it or ignore it and say there is no love in my life. In the end of the day it is always there and a matter of our perception whether we see it or not. If we define it too narrowly and say this is what it should feel like and be like, we miss it. As long as we judge what love is and what isn’t, we miss it full time. Love is definitely beyond judgement.
Don’t ask me why these thoughts came to me today and what’s that got to do with my transformation journey. It is just the way it is.
10 years ago when I trained with Ron East at the Shool of Physical Theatre in London, Ron gave each of us a theme we had to create our final piece on. I think he very much had an idea, why he gave a certain subject to each of us. The theme I got was: The wall! I created a piece on control and the urge to break through. I didn’t think of this anymore up to now, where I am diving into the subject of transformation ever so deeper. In my view you can’t separate art from life. Maybe the wall has become thinner, but it is still there and I still have the urge to break through. Not only in theatrical terms but for real. I want to break through no matter what it takes!
Yesterday my seven week online course started with the new moon. Marking the beginning of another journey and exploration into the theme transformation. I have set myself some rules, which are not part of the course but I think enable me not to be distracted. The toughest one is not to watch TV. If I wouldn’t have a TV, it wouldn’t be so much of a problem. But since I have one and unfortunately got hooked on silly programs like x-factor, this will be interesting. The funny thing is that I don’t view myself being the most disciplined person. Not all germans are disciplined, I am afraid to say so…
But hey, new moon, new beginnings. And I am good! I have not watched x-factor today and am still alive. The thing is, that I really notice how much the TV distracts me and keeps me from diving more into my creativity. I really don’t want to count how many hours of my life I gave to the TV and this is certainly more than washing up without a dish washer.
Well, I am really curious how things will go and what I’ll explore in the upcoming weeks.
After just having had an intense week with performing at Scratch Night. Caro and me sat together and had a chat about, what the next steps for KerstenWoods Productions could be. Caro made clear that she felt very much she needed now time to work in her studio and concentrate on the stills she wanted to extract from our video footage we have collected so far for our “Transitions Project”.
I also felt that we had come to an end of a phase. Interestingly enough, when we pulled a rune for our business “bercana” showed up, the rune of rebirth and growth. Well, before you can be reborn again you first have to die. Thinking of our performance last week, which had been about death and rebirth, the rune could’nt have been more accurate.
At the time being, when we pulled the rune, I more saw the dying aspect. An intense phase of working together, which I have enjoyed beyond words, had come to an end.
What next, what was I to concentrate on, while Caro would work on the stills? The collaboration with Caro Woods, coming from the background of a visual artist, has been such a gift for me. I enjoy so much working with her, because we both love to explore and to work process orientated. For the time being, I am faced with letting go of that intense phase of working together so closely. And if I want to or not, it seems to be time to concentrate on myself again. I need to work on our subject “transformation” in my own terms for a while. As Caro needs to be in her studio and make stills, I need to go deeper by experiencing transformation even more than I did so far.
Being a performance artist, I need to enable myself to experience in the first place. So I am going to work on the performance aspect, by direct experience, writing and movement.
I have enbarked on the mission to explore transformation deeper. The kick off point will be a seven week online course, working with transmuting and awakening sexual energies. Bring it on! Tomorrow, my transformation journey starts with the New Moon.
“Loved the music – the colour black makes it sombre and makes you realise that the person is going through a sort of death and rebirth in their life!!?”
We only have a few minutes to go, before we are due to perform our very short “transformation piece” at the premiere of scratch night with a sold out audience. “Oh dear, what did I get us into?” It is really quite typical of me, when weeks ago the event had been advertised on Cornwall Theatre Forum, I thought it would be a great idea to participate. Even though I wasn’t quite sure what a Scratch Night was. Certainly I did’nt expect such a professional set up of a stage including quite elaborate lighting. And even more certainly did I not expect a sold out audience!
Well, sometimes I believe it is quite good to be oblivious, because this way you get yourself into things you otherwise wouldn’t do. When I suggested to show our work in progress at Scratch Night, I still thought I’d be performing with two other performers. Little did I know … Since, both of them vanished, Caro and me had to find another solution. A solution none of us had anticipated before, which got us exactly to where we are now. Caro and me performing together a five minute movement piece with a black cloth. Did I mention, that Caro is a visual artist and that she never had performed in front of an audience before? Luckily she had done two workshops with Daniela Schlemm on performance. That was her preparation.
What shall I say? We did it and I think we did ourselves proud. It was such a great feeling to have done it in the end. Ecstatic! And Caro, I am so proud of her, since she nailed it and has done a terrific job. Well, where is the next thing, I can get myself into? If you want to have look at an video extract of the performance visit KerstenWoods Productions
In a few weeks time, we will launch our short film Cassandra.
Loneliness creeping up inside of me
Holding my hand, like a friend, who does not want to let go
Loneliness and me tied together
Loneliness does not want to leave me
There is nothing I can do about it
But walk with loneliness
Maybe loneliness does not want to be alone?
Does loneliness want to be loved by me?
It seems so …
Rage, fear and lust pumping through my veins, coming together as a poisonous cocktail, ready for explosion. Still trying to control these forces, wanting to get rid of them. Trying does not help. I want to surrender, let go. Will I be able to do that? Can I live through this and finally transmute these forces into something new?
I don’t know, but I hope I can.
And so I walk into the fire of transformation.
Eyes wide open.
I just entered this one minute video in the guardian fringe trailer competition. Hope it’ll get us some promotion.