I keep on dreaming!

IMG_5779Dear Hashimoto, you’re with me, since … I don’t know. Some odd 8 or 10 years ago, you’ve been diagnosed, but who knows since when you really came into my life. You just sneaked your way in, you didn’t ask me for my permission. You didn’t say: „Hey Anja, I wanna share the space with you!“ But how could you, since sharing is’nt really your strength now, is it! Are you proud of your name, given by some japanese guy, who disvovered you? Does that make you japanese, do you feel japanese? Certainly it is somehow a very sweet name, although I wouldn’t exactly describe you as sweet. Would you? But maybe your view on things is a completely different one. Are you coming from the darwinistic belief system era, where everyone believed into the paradigm „survival of the fittest?“ Who is competing who? Are you competing with me as a person, or have you decided to make yourself comfortable in my body and to eventually take over. Where do you stop? Are you done, when I don’t have any thyroid anymore? Are you done, when I’ve given in to you? Are you done, when you’ve got my lust for life? Really now, have you thought about, when to stop? Or do you never stop and just go on and on and on and on.
Well, you certainly haven’t got an invitation from me. I would remember, I am sure. Would I? Did you subconsciously seduce me into a very weird and strange co-dependant relationship, claiming that you only wanted my best? Did you maybe tell me I am nothing without you and I have forgotten and at the time I was too afraid to let you go? Maybe, maybe not. Who knows. What made you choose me and not someone else. I am sure you are choosing many, I know. I am not someone special, because you chose me, you have chosen many, many, so many. Some know, some don’t. You made sure that there wouldn’t be a great support system around. How you did it, I would like to know. You just convinced everybody, that once you had arrived you wouldn’t leave anymore, that there wouldn’t be anything which could be done, so why bother, really. You said to the doctors: „Yes, tell them it is incurable, sell them thyroxin, whether it helps or not. Make them feel inadequat, lost, hopeless and alone.“ Maybe you are working together with the big pharmaceutical companies, making a profit on selling drugs to seemingly incurable patients, who as a result have to stay for the rest of their lives on their medication. Come on be honest, since you became my unwanted guest, you might as well just tell me the truth. Are you working together with them? You’re not that straight forward are you. No, you are sneaky, you play tricks, you pretend that you are withdrawing just to hit back again with a big ugly grin on your face. You’re an attacker, a destroyer, you made my body believe, that it has to attack itself. That the invader is inside and not outside. How did you do that? Are you just symbolizing what we as a human kind are doing to mother earth, which in a sense is the body of human kind, I mean hosting human kind, like my body is hosting me, my spirit. Do we not pretend, that we love mother earth, while destroying instead of noroushing her, all the same? Is there a way out of this? How? Do you have a message after all?
How can we turn things around? How can we be kinder to ourselves, to others and most importantly to nature, because if we keep on turning a blind eye, mother earth will be destroyed, by her very own autoimmune disease, us! Is that what you want to tell me?
Are you teaching me vulnerability? Feeling out of control with my energy levels, fluctuating between constipation and diarrhea, a wounded throat, joint aches, anxiety, depression, sleeping too much, sleeping too little, tired, exhausted. Did you decide to get me on the rollercoaster of my life? Thank you very much indeed! I could have envisioned a more enjoable, exciting one. Imagine that now!
What do I need to do, to get rid of you? Or is that the wrong attitude. Do I really have to accept you, embrace you and than you piss off? Or do you go, if I have learned to feel at ease with my own vulnerability, until I have no need anymore to protect myself from it, to shield it off. If you just could let me know what it was. Are you interested in me after all? Or do you need me just as a host, like a parasite. Should I ignore you completely? No, I tried for quite a few years and you knocked louder and louder and louder at my door. It is impossible to ignore you! Do I still have to learn more about you? You need to know where the enemy is coming from, to be able to beat him in combat! More information, more knowledge about what things to eat, what not, what kind of exercise etc.
I am tired of all of this. I am so tired of you. Can’t you just give me a break? I changed my diet and I did so many other things, but it doesn’t seem to have an impact. At least that’s the way I perceive it. I don’t want to just give up, but sometimes I feel quite hopeless. Why do you make it so difficult for me?
With you as an intruder it is quite a challenge to enjoy life fully! And you know, people don’t realize that you’re with me, because you make yourself invisible and they don’t understand my battle with you. They only see the outside, they judge me like they judge everyone else. You know the only people who really, really understand are the ones, who go through similar things, I mean fighting with attackers like you. They know what it means.
Sometimes I wish, the doctor would call me by himself, asking me how I am getting on, what he can do for me, telling me that he is with me in this and that he believes I can do this.
Yes, I am a dreamer!
Sometimes I wish a friend called by and asked what he/she can do for me. I wish he/she would have the courage to hold me, to allow me to let go, to cry, finally not having to hold it constantly together anymore.
Someone, who has the courage to meet me in my pain, to hold the space. Someone, who says, I’ve got you, you don’t have to walk this journey alone. You’re doing great.
Yes, I am a dreamer!
Sometimes I wish, I just heal miraceously and so does the earth, and so do all the people, who live on this precious earth. You, dear Hashimoto, just leave, like this.
Yes, I am a dreamer!
Sometimes I wish you show me your true colors, you tell me what you really are about. You communicate with me and you give me a chance to work it out. A chance to repair our broken relationship. I wish you could understand me and I could understand you.
Yes, I am a dreamer!
And I always will be, as long as I live, I will be a dreamer. It is my right to dream and nobody can take it away from me, even not you!
It is my talent, it is my gift!
I dream!
I dream of a world, where people can be vulnerable, without being afraid of harsh criticism. I dream of a world, where people reach out to one another, telling each other:
„You’re not alone! I’m on your side! We are together in this!“
I dream of a world, which is based on compassion, connection and love. I dream of a world, where people can love their whole selfs again, love their emotions, love their shadows, love their imperfections.
I dream of a world, that heals itself !
I dream of my world being healed!

Yes, I am a dreamer! And this is what I hold on to, dearly, whether you leave me or not, whether you keep on attacking me or not!

I keep on dreaming!

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Evelyn Holloway
Evelyn Holloway

I’m with you in this. I share the dream to be allowed to show how vulnerable I am, to be held and accepted and not told to pull myself together. I have been in constant pain for decades and very few people (real friends) understand. I admire you for your courage and creativity and send love and hugs ( the only medicine that really helps).


Hashimoto – I don’t know who you are – I don’t know what you are like – I’m pretty much prejudiced against you – but I know you’re a bully and I want you to piss right off and leave my friend alone – she has tried to understand you – she has stood up to you like one is told to do with a bully – but now it’s time to let her be – I’m not going to say please – I’m just telling you – LEAVE!!

Andy Bilewycz
Andy Bilewycz

Trouble is, Hashi doesn’t answer you. Just a bit of a coward. A hanger-on…

At least there *are* other Dreamers in this world, Anja. You’re not on your own… 🙂