‘Did you subconsciously seduce me into a very weird and strange co-dependant relationship, claiming that you only wanted my best?
Did you maybe tell me I am nothing without you and I have forgotten and at the time I was too afraid to let you go? Maybe, maybe not. Who knows. What made you choose me and not someone else.’ (excerpt from I keep on dreaming)
Who the heck am I talking to? I keep on dreaming is a letter I wrote, addressed personally to Hashimoto, an autoimmune disease I am battling with since quite a long time now.
The first time I read the story to an audience my heart was beating wildly and I was choking on my own emotions. I thought:
‘This is too vulnerable. I can’t do this. What will people think of me.’
But I survived and I included the story in my published German story book. The more often I read the letter to others, the easier it got. Since I concentrated on quirky stories in my english online story book ‘Inappropriate Colours, 12 story-delights for the whacky mind’, you can’t find it there.
I just listened to myself reading the story and I have to say it still touches me deeply.
Probably because it’s so close to my heart and also I am well aware, that there are so many others out there, wrestling with chronic disease. Without getting the help they really need. To be honest, it’s heartbreaking.
I keep on dreaming is a brilliant piece and it would deserve to be performed as a monologue.
Maybe I should do that.
To be honest, I still very much remember how depressed I felt, when in 2013 my symptoms got worse and I felt so powerless. For a couple of months I wasn’t able to be creative anymore.
I believed I had to first be better, before I could be creative again. Luckily I found out, that it’s exactly the other way around.
To keep on creating, to keep on having visions, that don’t include my illness, is what keeps me going. It is what keeps me believing in a future, where I’ll be able to do all those things.
I am fear, gives a good insight into the feelings of anxiety, which often accompany Hashimoto’s. Rachel, she wrote the poem, and I created this piece together.
Stay tuned and if you’re dealing with chronic illness like me, never give up and more importantly keep on creating no matter what. I urge you! Subconsciously, it’s medicine for the soul.